“No evil dooms us hopelessly except the evil we love, and desire to continue in, and make no effort to escape from. ” – George Eliot
He was too drunk to know how many drinks he’s had tonight. He got up slowly, and even then if felt like his brain inside his head was spinning around and around while his head was completely still. It was ten and the boy had to somehow make his way to a party. Thank goodness it was down the block, he thought. He put on his jean jacket and and his Nikes and went for the door handle. He looked to his right, or left, whichever, and saw their old cork board filled with their pictures. He let go of the door handle and leaned against the opposite wall and slid down to the floor looking at a two year relationship through a series of pictures. And to think that we were gone now, he thought. The boy started to cry.
He missed her soft wavy hair, the happiness in her eyes that sparked a new adventure. Her being mischievous making things oh so exciting for him. He remembers how they would watch movies all night and get drunk together. And now he was here, getting intoxicated by himself.
He wiped away his tears, ruffled his black curly hair, and walked out the door without another look at the pictures. He walked with fury to the party. Rage surging through his veins, thinking of the night that she had left him, which was about a week ago.
*1 week ago*
“Jay you don’t understand me anymore!” the beautiful girl said. She stood in the doorway of his bedroom her arms crossed tears threatening to fall onto her face.
“Emiline, baby. No, don’t say that.” Jay said, walking up to her, putting his hands on each side of her face. She pulled away roughly and pushed him, “What is it? What am I doing wrong? Please.” Emiline looked at him and took a jagged breath bracing herself for what she was about to say. Jay’s heart was beating so fast, not sure if he was ready for what he was about to hear.
“It’s not what you’re doing wrong…” Emiline started.
“It’s what someone else is doing better,” the boy finished. They both looked away from each other, not knowing what else to say.
“How long?” Jay asked
“Jay, I didn’t cheat on you. I just met someone else, someone more mature who understands me better.” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Two years down the drain because she found someone more mature. He scoffed. No one could know her the way he got to know her.
“Oh c’mon Em. Don’t feed me that bullshit,” he walked over to her, red haze blurring his eyes. “Look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn’t sleep with him.” She looked into his heartbroken eyes and told him the truth. She had not slept with the other man.
Jay was crying now, “Then you kissed him, you did stuff, you let him touch you, anything!” he screamed.
“No, Jay! He beat you fair and square. He’s older, he gets me, he’s deep. We’ve had a really great time together, but I’m down with the childish crap.” She snapped. And her words were like a whip cutting into his flesh.
Jay was at the party, beer in one hand a girl’s hand in the other, on the dance floor dancing as if there was no tomorrow. He pulled her close to him to feel their bodies pressed together. Convincing, lying, whichever to himself that he was over the love of his life that broke his heart in only a week’s time. The girl lead him from the dance floor and to a couch. They sat next to each other and they both smirked. He leaned in first, kissing her roughly with no hesitation and she went along with it. They tasted the alcohol in each other’s mouths as his hands moved to her waist, pulling her on top of him.
Then things got too familiar.
He pulled away.
He got up.
Then Jay walked right out the door, the bottle still in his hand. He started to jog, and then into a run. He didn’t know why he was running but he just was. He had to get away. From what? The people? That girl? His thoughts? Yes, it was his thoughts. He would stumble and fall but he would get right back up and start running again. He lost his beer along the way, along with his dignity.
He stopped running and he found himself in front of Emiline’s house.
Is this what he wanted all along? To see her?
Yes, he thought. All I want to do is see her face, her smile, her hair, hear her voice, her laugh. Anything. He was suffering from withdrawal. He was drunk off of her. He always was and now that she was gone, he was losing himself. He could feel himself sinking into the ground, backing up into the corner, losing his whole world. Jay stared at her house slowly walking forward, the cold fall air nipping at his nose and his exposed neck. He walked up her steps where they had their first kiss, and so many fights, and make ups. He stared at her door and swayed slightly in place, drunk with alcohol, and misery.
I’m in denial. She doesn’t love me, he thought. Starting to turn away, he stopped and faced the door again, and rang the doorbell.
Emiline opened the door. She looked up and down at Jay as he just looked at her. She sighed and shook her head as she put her hand to her forehead.
“Em, I love you. We can’t be over. We aren’t over for real, right? We are just going to get back together, like all the other times right?” Jay rambled looking at his love who betrayed him like a pretty rose with a hidden thorn.
“Jay, you’re drunk. Go home.”
“No, not without you.”
And there Emiline went on a tirade on how he needed to get over himself and stop sulking his misery into the alcohol. She mentioned his immaturity and how embarrassing it was for him to come to her house, drunk expecting her to want him. And this whole time he was admiring every word that came out of her mouth. He stood there secretly marveling her as she was looked at him so disappointed.
“I don’t want you Jay! I don’t want you anymore.”
Jay was walking numbly on the streets on his way home. Just wandering with no such destination. He was sobering up so he was starting to feel the pain again and he felt the need to drink more, to smoke, anything, to make it all go away again. He started to make his way home , readying himself for another night of loneliness Then he recognized the girl he he was hooking up with at the party before he ditched her. He felt obligated to apologize.
“I’m so sorry I ditched you at the party. I had something to sort out,” Jay said apologizing.
” I know. It’s a girl isn’t it?” the brunette asked, walking up to him, reaching her hand towards his head to touch his hair. The boy didn’t even care or was aware of her coming on to him. He nodded at her, grimacing.
” I can be her, you know? I can be her for you.” He watched her with a slightly open mouth puzzled by her suggestion, not knowing how to respond. She was looking into his eyes seductively as she ran her hand through his hair. He closed his eyes and as she opened them again Emiline was standing in front of him.
“See? I can look like her. Let’s go back to your house.”
Jay was too astonished to object. They held hands and walked back to his house. He thought he had nothing to lose bringing a strange girl back to his place, who shifted into his ex girlfriend.
And for the rest of the night it was like he was reliving his relationship with Emiline. She laughed like her, kissed like her, talked like her, touched him like her, made love like her.
But he soon realized that this was not Emiline.
It was morning when he got up and left her in the bed. He sat at his kitchen table, pondering what he was doing with this unusual girl. Then out of nowhere his emotions were hitting him in the face. He could not keep lying to himself about this. His night of ecstasy was over. He knew that he could not keep up this facade. He lost the girl and he was not going to get her back. He could not keep drinking his sadness away. He knew the truth of the strange girl’s lie. He had no idea what do with himself. And a thought deep down was creeping slowly to the surface.
“You know what you want to do.” The mysterious girl said. She had whispered into his ear with her alluring cunning voice. She was behind him and draped her arms across his chest.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied.
“Yes, you do. It’s not hard. I can talk you through it. Help you. It’s so sweet.”
Jay was shaking his head slowly and jumped up from his chair surprised and troubled by his sudden irrational and drastic thoughts.
“I know what you’re thinking. Stop playing dumb. It’s you’re only way out of your misery.” She waltzed over to the counter top and crossed her dark legs. She was back in her own skin and Jay had just noticed how beautiful she was as herself. He gazed over her and was mesmerized yet again. Hanging onto every word. He could not help it.
He walked over to her and kissed her hungrily.
“Death is sweeter than me, Jay.” he pulled away and looked at her. She shifted into Emiline for a second and back to herself, “Sweeter than Emiline. Isn’t it?”
Everything she was saying sounded so right to him. Yes it was he thought. It was the only way out. He couldn’t go another day like this. He was nodding his head now, looking straight into her eyes as if that was his entrance to his exit. He told her he wanted to do it. She picked up a knife that was laying on the sink.
“A lot of people prefer pills, but I think that’s cowardly.” She placed the knife in Jay’s hands and wrapped his fingers around it. They both held it together, the only thing separating them. His breathing was quickened not believing his thoughts. But it was such a rush the words were stuck in his head playing over and over again. “Death is sweet.”
“C’mon Jay. Don’t be so scared,” she took a hand ran it through her hair. She leaned in and whispered in his ear, “You won’t have to worry about anything ever again.” She looking into his eyes and smiled at him with her teeth dazzling. And in someway he found a way to smile back.
“Death is sweet,” Jay said.
And with those as his last words, he plunged the knife into himself.
The stranger got her things together and looked down at the broken being on the floor.
She then left the house, on her way, planning her next victim of temptation.